{"author":"St. John Morris","author_id":"St.+John+Morris","total_quotes":23,"quotes":[{"text":"...His knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","satire","surreal"],"id":173,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surreal"],"id":33689,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"Your toaster’s a puff.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","satire","surreal"],"id":56764,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked.“Toasting a witch”, St John replied.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","satire","surreal"],"id":63713,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","satire","surrreal"],"id":69208,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surreal"],"id":70539,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surreal"],"id":81310,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surrealistic"],"id":92765,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surreal"],"id":101466,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"},{"text":"Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.","author":"St. John Morris","tags":["comedy","humour","non-sequitur","satire","surreal"],"id":125920,"author_id":"St.+John+Morris"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":23,"pages":3,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}